– Three weeks ago –
I sat on the couch, listening to the still of nothingness that surrounded me.
For the first time in a long time, time hesitated to continue.
I froze, willing myself not to breathe — for fear this moment would soon be lost in the rest.
Nothing was inherently special about this day, this hour, this moment. Just another Thursday.
But it was a moment, none the less.
I embraced it, this one phone-less moment, to ponder the ones before it.
To think back on a year that had, once again, flown by too quickly.
Of all the obstacles endured and conquered. Of all the good observed and experienced.
She believed that she could, so she did. A quote I had always reminded myself of in the moments where I lost perspective. Of the tiny moments when I lost all confidence to continue studying, dreaming, doing, working, pursuing, trusting.
But it wasn’t the quote that kept me pushing forward. It was this verse.
The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. – Exodus 14:14
The fear of unknown dissolves when you understand the magnitude of God’s grace and strength. I am nothing, a fleeting breath in the wind, but I was made to worship Him. To be still, to take a moment to breathe — God fights for you. Overwhelming, yet true.
The moment continued in a whisper. Looking at the lights glittering on the seven-foot pine, ignoring the distractions of technology, I continued to analyze and digest all that had occurred in the past 300-some days.
A year of changes, both good and bad. A year of being pushed out of my comfort zone in more ways than I had anticipated.
A year of difficult decisions, but a year of unexpected joys and blessings. A year of deciding which thoughts to dwell on and which ones to discard. A year of forgiveness and acceptance. A year of wondering God’s plan for my life (like always). A year of confidently putting faith in the One who sees all.
A year of seeing God work through little details.
God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them. – John Piper
The story isn’t finished yet. Is it ever? In the midst of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if thats,’ we transition between ‘I understand what God’s doing’ and ‘I have no idea what’s going on.’
Piper’s words encourage me. It is easy to dwell on the three things we know for sure, the three things God allows us to see. However, it is harder to accept the other 9,997 things God orchestrates behind the scenes. I sometimes feel like a passenger in a car I can’t control. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m going somewhere. The driver won’t tell me — I have to wait and see.
Life is like that, and it’s sometimes a difficult concept to surrender to. A thriving struggle with our own mindsets — our own agendas — and the one God has for us. Faith. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on the hardships instead of the joys. Sometimes, the hardships are all we see.
But when we worship, when we remember God’s plan — that He makes no mistake — we are renewed.
I am renewed. Renewed in the fact that letting go has never been my forte. That surrendering is foreign to me. That it’s okay to let go of a grasp I’ve held so tightly for so long. A part of the healing process. A tug towards faith, instead of control. A daily battle of fight and surrender. A part of what needs to be done to transform into the person God wants me to be.
Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. – Psalm 62:6
– Today –
I wrote the above blog post three weeks ago, but didn’t post it. I didn’t think it was done yet, but I didn’t know how to end it. Didn’t know what it needed to be considered complete. Until today.
In that moment of silent gratitude, just twenty-one days ago, I realized 2014 is just another fleeting moment. But in that moment, in this year almost gone, all that God has done intertwined with the past and with the future. It was in that moment of silence, right before the clock resumed its circular journey and the phone buzzed again — it was in that moment, I was renewed and reminded.
I am but a fleeting life, but in it, I will worship.