economics gave me faith. No…not really. but kinda.

I admit, this blog post title is controversial.
But, keep reading to find out more about why I titled it such…
—————

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

Surprise, surprise.

My mind tends to rabbit trail when I’m supposed to be focusing on economics homework. The elasticity equations, demand curves, and whatever else the book is trying to get me to understand just doesn’t work well with my brain. Some may call it ADD. I call it a writer’s brain.
Instead of mathematics and critical thinking about the economy and all the ways it could possibly fail (newsflash: it has failed. We’re currently in a government shutdown, mind you), I find myself pondering what the future holds…and I get anxious.

Anxious in a good way, yet anxious in a not-so-good way.

Anxious because I’m excited. I’m excited to see what’s in store. I’m excited for the chapters yet to begin, for the friends I’ve yet to meet, for the guy I’ve (maybe) not yet met to marry. For whatever adventures are in store. For the simple adrenaline rush I receive when I’m not sure what’s coming next.

But also…

Anxious because I’m nervous. My plans are insignificant. The strategic thinking that goes into each meditated action, each planned course of action. Each idea that I think is great may not end up being great at all. It may, in fact, end up the total opposite of what I’ve planned, thought, stressed over. And that thought alone makes my heart race and my mind run 1000 miles a minute, because as much as I say I love adventure, when it comes down to it, that adventure for me needs to have a definite end result that I approve of. That result must be a positive one or else that adventure is not worth it.

Kind of ironic, yeah, but hey… I’m just being honest here.

When it comes down to it, the future is unclear to me. Yes, I may have a strong opinion of where I want it to go, of where I want to be in my life 10 years down the road, of the adventures I want to experience. But when it comes down to it, that goes nowhere, because I’m not in charge of my future.

Sure, college professors will invest great energy and debate this thought, saying you are in charge of your own destiny. Even Disney says follow your heart and let it guide you. But I don’t believe it. It’s hard to explain to those who strongly believe they are the writers of their own story…That they are the ones who decide which direction their lives will take. And in a way, they are…kinda. For example, I don’t rely on a Magic 8 ball to tell me what to eat for breakfast or what college courses to take, so yes, that part is true. But there’s more to it than that.

This whole internal debate of control happened the other day. I admit that I was pretty much begging God to let me have a dream or a vision or some sort of future-seeing experience so I could look into my life, see what’s going to happen, accept it, and then return to present day living.

God doesn’t work like that. Nope. Instead, he gave me Hebrews 11:1. It had been written on my whiteboard for months, but it seemed like when I happened to glance towards it that day, I saw it for the first time.

Hebrews 11:1, “Faith is the CONFIDENCE that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us ASSURANCE about things we cannot see.”

Well, that was a slap in the face. A GOOD slap in the face. It was like splashing cold water on your face after a nice long run. It jolts you back to reality and back to your senses. It refreshes you. It reassures you.

The thing is, I don’t know what the future holds. I really don’t. I have a feeling I may know some things, but nothing is for sure. The thing I DO know is that I serve the God of the universe who made everything without mistake. His premeditated actions and ideas far outdo my tiny, inside-the-box ideas of a future. Faith is the confidence that God knows what he’s doing and it’s the assurance that His plans are better than ours.

The anxiety may never fully go away, I’m going to tell you that right now, but the idea that my future is in the hands of the world’s Creator? Yeah… I’m okay with that. I’m totally, 100%, wholeheartedly okay with that…

but I still don’t want to study economics.

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2 thoughts on “economics gave me faith. No…not really. but kinda.

  1. Keri, I am impressed by your blog and how you thought deeply about God’s word. I’ve been through the same anxious feelings as you do and I still feel uncertain about my future. However, I know that God’s command: Rejoice in The Lord always. I know that every time I am taking Steve’s class or talking to him or learning about human’s shadow or doing bible study, I found the golden moments of my life and I am firm that God is with me guiding me along the way. I will pray for you, girl. ^_^

    Like

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